Garden of Gethsemane

This weekend has been agonizing for us in several ways. Steve's pain and symptoms are significantly worse. And, we've been tormented by decisions about treatment. Nothing felt right - there was no peace about any of it.

And then I received this email from a dear friend: "I know you are agonizing. My friend, remember that you are not choosing Steve's days. Those are ordained for him. I cannot stand either to know that he is in that much pain. I realized after walking through much suffering with someone, that it is one of God's ways of allowing that person to loosen their grip on this world and be ready to receive eternity with Him in the next. I certainly cannot advise you what to do but......the Holy Spirit can. " She went on to pray that Steve and I would have one heart about whatever decisions had to be made.

Right then, I realized that the striving and agonizing were all in vain. God is still on His throne, still in control. Our job is to listen and obey. So, I prayed through much of the night that the Lord would speak to Steve about what to do next. And, the first words from his mouth this morning were, "This has gone too far to be treated. I want to go home. I'm ready." It was so painful to hear, but I feel I'm not to fight against it.

Later in the morning, I met with our Doctor here, who basically confirmed that the treatments they had at their disposal would potentially add time, but he really did not have hope that they would put us into complete remission. The last genetic test came back normal, as well. He said he would respect Steve's decision to turn down the treatments and spend the time left with his family.

We're planning to go back to Dallas tomorrow. God can still do a miracle of Biblical proportions if it's His will.

Early this morning, I read through the Passion narrative in Matthew. And, it struck me that this has been our Garden of Gethsemane. We've been tortured with decisions and praying for God to "take this cup from us." But then, with a deep breath, we say, "Not as I will, but as You will." After Jesus' prayers in the garden, He turned and faced Judas and the mob, determined and resolute in what He had to do. And, so we set our face toward the Lord, and what is ahead.