Steve hasn’t rested well the last two nights, but he’s sleeping now. His pain is increasing, and he had some breathing problems last night.
This morning we woke up to that yucky burning-electrical smell. It seemed to be coming from the air conditioner. Within an hour one of our pastors and his wife were here with a portable a/c unit to keep the bedroom cool. (I won’t use names because I found out that embarrasses some people.) Steve’s feverish and it’s hard to keep him cool as it is.
We now have three men from our church (including an electrician) working on the problem. I guess it’s electrical, but they said the hot-water heater is out, too. But, Steve has never had to be without cool air. Thank you Lord. These guys are taking care of everything.
This morning one of our pastors, his wife, our son Andy, and a friend shared communion with Steve. It was meaningful for all of us. Words just won’t do it justice.
I really don’t know how people go through something like this without a supportive church, and a supportive family. I’m so thankful for that.
Please keep praying for Steve’s comfort. He’s at peace, but I know there is some apprehension about the pain level increasing. And, if I let myself think about it, it scares me, too.
Thank you for the prayers, and for all the people helping with our other problems today.
“Remember, our faith is always at its greatest point when we are in the middle of the trial, and confidence in the flesh will never endure testing. Fair-weather faith is not faith at all.” Charles H. Spurgeon
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Friday
Steve’s sleeping now, and I’m full of nervous energy, so I’ll write. I know it must be hard for everyone who loves him to be unable to see him right now. I’m sorry for that. So, I’ll try to describe exactly how he’s doing.
It’s been over a week since he’s had anything to eat. He has no appetite, but also knows that he’ll throw up anything that goes down. Including water, usually. Ice chips feel very good to this mouth and throat, and he continues to eat them. However, once or twice a day, he’ll throw that up. His stomach is apparently completely eaten up with this vile cancer.
His parents came by for a visit yesterday, and he was glad to get to see them. But, he tried to move too much and was vomiting during part of their time. I know it was very hard on them in many ways. Please keep them in your prayers.
His pain is fairly well managed with the pain pump continually delivering medication. He hurts if he moves, or has any stress at all. Sometimes he has difficulty breathing, and we have oxygen for him to help in those times. His voice is gone, and he can only talk in a whisper now.
He’s very weak, and cannot get out of bed anymore. The medication makes him a little confused sometimes, but for the most part, he’s lucid. With the help of a friend, we turned his hospital bed around so he can look out the window, so he has a nice view of the woods in our backyard. His bed is right up against our bed, so it’s like we’re still together.
He has no fear. He's very much looking forward to being with the Lord. We talk quite a bit about what we think that will be like. His only concerns are for others. Which is how he's always been.
When he’s awake, we spend our time talking quietly, or I’ll read to him. We’re reading a lot of Psalms right now, and also Randy Alcorn’s book, “Heaven.” And, he enjoys hearing the sweet cards, emails and blog comments. In typical Steve fashion, he said, “It’s kinda cool to not be dead yet, and hear all the nice things people are saying about me.” Gotta love him!
When he’s sleeping, I’m restless. I’m frankly having a hard time focusing to read or pray. My mind darts around like a child with ADD. But, the Lord is giving me good rest at night. Steve has some extra medicine for nausea which I give him at night and it makes him sleep soundly. And knowing that he’s just a few inches from me lets me rest well.
If he has to be sick, I’m so thankful to be the one caring for him. It is my honor to take care of his needs. And, I’m thankful for everyone’s generosity which makes it possible for me to be here all the time. I am continually amazed at God’s perfect provision.
It’s been over a week since he’s had anything to eat. He has no appetite, but also knows that he’ll throw up anything that goes down. Including water, usually. Ice chips feel very good to this mouth and throat, and he continues to eat them. However, once or twice a day, he’ll throw that up. His stomach is apparently completely eaten up with this vile cancer.
His parents came by for a visit yesterday, and he was glad to get to see them. But, he tried to move too much and was vomiting during part of their time. I know it was very hard on them in many ways. Please keep them in your prayers.
His pain is fairly well managed with the pain pump continually delivering medication. He hurts if he moves, or has any stress at all. Sometimes he has difficulty breathing, and we have oxygen for him to help in those times. His voice is gone, and he can only talk in a whisper now.
He’s very weak, and cannot get out of bed anymore. The medication makes him a little confused sometimes, but for the most part, he’s lucid. With the help of a friend, we turned his hospital bed around so he can look out the window, so he has a nice view of the woods in our backyard. His bed is right up against our bed, so it’s like we’re still together.
He has no fear. He's very much looking forward to being with the Lord. We talk quite a bit about what we think that will be like. His only concerns are for others. Which is how he's always been.
When he’s awake, we spend our time talking quietly, or I’ll read to him. We’re reading a lot of Psalms right now, and also Randy Alcorn’s book, “Heaven.” And, he enjoys hearing the sweet cards, emails and blog comments. In typical Steve fashion, he said, “It’s kinda cool to not be dead yet, and hear all the nice things people are saying about me.” Gotta love him!
When he’s sleeping, I’m restless. I’m frankly having a hard time focusing to read or pray. My mind darts around like a child with ADD. But, the Lord is giving me good rest at night. Steve has some extra medicine for nausea which I give him at night and it makes him sleep soundly. And knowing that he’s just a few inches from me lets me rest well.
If he has to be sick, I’m so thankful to be the one caring for him. It is my honor to take care of his needs. And, I’m thankful for everyone’s generosity which makes it possible for me to be here all the time. I am continually amazed at God’s perfect provision.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Thursday
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God, and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. " II Corinthians 4:7-9
Yesterday, the hospice nurse told me that she thinks the end will come in about a week. That's her best guess based on the signs and condition she sees physically. Only the Lord knows the days He's ordained for Steve.
Steve slept well last night, and is sleeping now. I'm so thankful to have such a supportive family, and church and to have so many people praying for us. It's important to keep things around him quiet, so we're still asking people not to come. Steve wants to see his parents today, and they're coming later.
We talked some this morning, and we're both so thankful for the years He's given us together. Steve is such a wonderful husband, an incredible man of faith, my best friend, and I love being married to him.
Yesterday, the hospice nurse told me that she thinks the end will come in about a week. That's her best guess based on the signs and condition she sees physically. Only the Lord knows the days He's ordained for Steve.
Steve slept well last night, and is sleeping now. I'm so thankful to have such a supportive family, and church and to have so many people praying for us. It's important to keep things around him quiet, so we're still asking people not to come. Steve wants to see his parents today, and they're coming later.
We talked some this morning, and we're both so thankful for the years He's given us together. Steve is such a wonderful husband, an incredible man of faith, my best friend, and I love being married to him.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
faith
I’ve received a few words that seem to imply that just a little more faith on my part would heal Steve. As if I haven’t prayed hard enough, or wept enough, or believed God enough.
May I be blunt? The faith God gave me is in His character, not in whether or not He chooses to answer my prayers. Our comfort is NOT His greatest desire. His glory, His world-wide renown is His greatest desire. Worshiping Him is for my greatest good. And, only He knows what circumstances will best bring about genuine worship.
And let’s not forget that the greatest miracle has already been accomplished. A Holy, Perfect God provided a way for sinful mankind to come to Him, and spend forever worshipping Him.
May I be blunt? The faith God gave me is in His character, not in whether or not He chooses to answer my prayers. Our comfort is NOT His greatest desire. His glory, His world-wide renown is His greatest desire. Worshiping Him is for my greatest good. And, only He knows what circumstances will best bring about genuine worship.
And let’s not forget that the greatest miracle has already been accomplished. A Holy, Perfect God provided a way for sinful mankind to come to Him, and spend forever worshipping Him.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Monday evening
This is the hardest post to write, so far.
Yesterday morning at 4:30, Steve woke me up to tell me he thinks the end is very close. This morning, the nurse confirmed that he has many of the last stage symptoms. He's not afraid. He said he wants to be relieved, and he's ready to go. Only the Lord knows what the real timing is. I'm still hoping he has some more good days.
I feel like I should just be able to say, "OK. Let's stop this. I don't want to do this anymore."
He's somewhat agitated by noises and activity. He just wants the room quiet. I know a lot of people want to see him, but I'm having to turn everyone away right now.
Steve said to tell everyone thank you for all the encouraging emails, cards and comments. I do read them all to him, and he smiles.
Thanks for praying for us.
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fail, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:29-31
Yesterday morning at 4:30, Steve woke me up to tell me he thinks the end is very close. This morning, the nurse confirmed that he has many of the last stage symptoms. He's not afraid. He said he wants to be relieved, and he's ready to go. Only the Lord knows what the real timing is. I'm still hoping he has some more good days.
I feel like I should just be able to say, "OK. Let's stop this. I don't want to do this anymore."
He's somewhat agitated by noises and activity. He just wants the room quiet. I know a lot of people want to see him, but I'm having to turn everyone away right now.
Steve said to tell everyone thank you for all the encouraging emails, cards and comments. I do read them all to him, and he smiles.
Thanks for praying for us.
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fail, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:29-31
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Sunday evening
It's been a tough day. Please keep the prayers going. Noise and activity are stressing Steve, which increases his pain. So, we just can't have any visitors right now, as much as we love all our family and friends. Thanks for understanding. And, thanks especially for praying.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Saturday evening
Steve’s having another bad day of nausea even though he’s not eating. He’s very weak. But, if you know Steve very well, you know that he’s been given a strong faith and a joyful heart. So he’s still thinking of others and cracking jokes, although his voice is weak and he can’t get around very well.
In May he weighed 220. This morning he weighed 164.
We’re reading aloud together Randy Alcorn’s book, “Heaven.” I had believed that once we’re in Heaven, we’ll have no concept of what’s happening on earth. But, that’s not true. This book gives scriptural examples such as the martyrs praying for justice on earth. (Just read the book.)
If the Lord does choose to take Steve, he’ll still be able to intercede. I know there’s a lot of bad theology that says we become angels, or we’re to pray to the dead. I don’t believe any of that. But I do believe that Steve will be able to intercede for us in a much more knowledgeable way. It gives me chills. Of course, God is our real source of comfort. But to my limited, human way of thinking, this is a very happy thought right now.
Thank you for remembering us in your prayers. Please pray for the nausea to subside, and for Steve to be able to eat.
"They lay their crowns before the throne and say: 'You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.' " Revelation 4:10-11
In May he weighed 220. This morning he weighed 164.
We’re reading aloud together Randy Alcorn’s book, “Heaven.” I had believed that once we’re in Heaven, we’ll have no concept of what’s happening on earth. But, that’s not true. This book gives scriptural examples such as the martyrs praying for justice on earth. (Just read the book.)
If the Lord does choose to take Steve, he’ll still be able to intercede. I know there’s a lot of bad theology that says we become angels, or we’re to pray to the dead. I don’t believe any of that. But I do believe that Steve will be able to intercede for us in a much more knowledgeable way. It gives me chills. Of course, God is our real source of comfort. But to my limited, human way of thinking, this is a very happy thought right now.
Thank you for remembering us in your prayers. Please pray for the nausea to subside, and for Steve to be able to eat.
"They lay their crowns before the throne and say: 'You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.' " Revelation 4:10-11
Thursday, August 21, 2008
2 AM
What is it about 2AM? A few nights ago, the battery died in Steve’s pain pump at 2AM. Thankfully, Charlie was here. I woke him and he went to Rockwall and got the battery we needed.
Last night, Steve woke me up at 2AM because the pain had become unbearable. Turns out, the medication in the pain pump was gone, even though the digital read-out said there was still plenty of medication. Thankfully, at 9:30 last night, a delivery person from Home Care had dropped off a new cartridge for the nurse to change out later this week. And, thankfully, it was not difficult to change the cartridge. Within an hour and a half of changing it, Steve was able to sleep.
It scared me to see how much pain he is in without the medication. This is all happening so fast.
Psalm 91:1-2, 5a "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in Whom I trust.' .... You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness."
Last night, Steve woke me up at 2AM because the pain had become unbearable. Turns out, the medication in the pain pump was gone, even though the digital read-out said there was still plenty of medication. Thankfully, at 9:30 last night, a delivery person from Home Care had dropped off a new cartridge for the nurse to change out later this week. And, thankfully, it was not difficult to change the cartridge. Within an hour and a half of changing it, Steve was able to sleep.
It scared me to see how much pain he is in without the medication. This is all happening so fast.
Psalm 91:1-2, 5a "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in Whom I trust.' .... You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness."
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Resting
It’s been a hard couple of days. Steve’s pretty weak, but the pain does seem to be better managed. He has no appetite, and when he can eat, it’s just so very little. I’ve been incredibly stressed out about getting just the “right” foods for him. But, we’ve decided that anything he can get down at this point is “right.” That took some of the pressure off.
The boys came home Sunday, and it’s so nice to have the whole family here. School will start back Monday. Apparently, the rest of the world is still turning. Steve and I both feel a little disconnected with all that’s going on outside our home. In a way, it will be good to be back on schedule with school and such, but I know it’s going to be a difficult balance as well.
I’ve been out of sorts the last few days. Today, I realized that it’s because I’ve been trying to control everything. Striving to make sure we’re doing everything just right. As if God needs us to have things just so before He can do something miraculous. But, there’s no peace in that. Steve and I are both only at peace when we’re completely resting in God.
The boys came home Sunday, and it’s so nice to have the whole family here. School will start back Monday. Apparently, the rest of the world is still turning. Steve and I both feel a little disconnected with all that’s going on outside our home. In a way, it will be good to be back on schedule with school and such, but I know it’s going to be a difficult balance as well.
I’ve been out of sorts the last few days. Today, I realized that it’s because I’ve been trying to control everything. Striving to make sure we’re doing everything just right. As if God needs us to have things just so before He can do something miraculous. But, there’s no peace in that. Steve and I are both only at peace when we’re completely resting in God.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Church
Steve's energy level changes quickly. He has been having a few good hours a day, but then he'll suddenly be out of energy. We had hoped to make it to church last night, but just about the time to leave, he crashed.
We're getting the DVD's of the service, and we watched one last night. But, it's just not the same as being there, worshipping together. We've taken that time for granted. We're so blessed in this country to be able to gather together freely, unlike so many of our brothers and sisters around the world. Do I appreciate that enough?
"Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker; for He is our God and we are the people of His pasture, the flock under His care." Psalm 95:6-7
We're getting the DVD's of the service, and we watched one last night. But, it's just not the same as being there, worshipping together. We've taken that time for granted. We're so blessed in this country to be able to gather together freely, unlike so many of our brothers and sisters around the world. Do I appreciate that enough?
"Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker; for He is our God and we are the people of His pasture, the flock under His care." Psalm 95:6-7
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