Thank you and update

I can't begin to thank everyone fully for the prayers, support, encouragement, practical help, and love. I'm truly blessed. Thank you for everything.

A few weeks before Steve passed away, our pastor and a member of the church's media team came to our home and taped some of Steve's thoughts. A clip was shown at the funeral, and a few who couldn't attend have asked to see it. Here's a link to it:

http://www.weshartley.com/Site/SteveW.html

I'm writing down a few thoughts now and then at a different blog:

http://gracealone-sheri.blogspot.com/

Home

Steve went to be with the Lord yesterday afternoon. In the presence of God Almighty. No more pain.

"Where O death is your victory? Where O death is your sting? ... But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." I Corinthians 15:55,57

Friday morning

Steve's sleeping most of the time now. But, many of the times he's awake, he's very lucid. With all the pain medication he's on, I think that's a miracle. For instance, he was asking me about his dad's work project. And, he knows what day of the week it is. (I often don't.)

We haven't had any vomiting since early yesterday morning (and that was more of a dry heave). So, please pray with me that phase is over. It's so painful for him. I'm praying he never has to do that again.

He asked the nurse yesterday how long this will go on. He's ready to see the Lord, and get his glorified body.

Last night, my prayer over him was praising God for how wonderful Heaven will be. He seemed peaceful to hear that.

Thank you for all the prayers.

Tuesday

Steve’s really about the same as the last few days. He sleeps a lot, is still not able to drink enough – just the ice chips which he typically vomits up once or twice a day. He’s not able to get up, although yesterday he sat on the edge of the bed to throw up. He still has his sense of humor. He made me laugh earlier today. (I think it’s too crude to share, though.)

His nurse was here this morning. All she can do really is make sure he has enough medication to stay somewhat comfortable. His pain is being reasonably well managed. His pulse rate is high. He’s a little feverish – hard to keep him cool enough.

Sometimes in my flesh, I scream, “How can we just be sitting here doing NOTHING about this?!” And, if I think too much about the future, I can become fearful. I want to grow old with Steve. I can’t imagine being without him here.

But by God’s grace, my spirit is resting in the knowledge that God is sovereign. That I don’t know the bigger picture like God does. That His ways are perfect. That He is trustworthy. I pray for a miracle of healing, knowing that God may choose to heal Steve by giving him his glorified body in Heaven. And God is continually giving me a peace that passes understanding.

For now I pray, and I do everything I can to make Steve as comfortable as possible.

“If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men.” I Corinthians 15:19

Sunday

Steve hasn’t rested well the last two nights, but he’s sleeping now. His pain is increasing, and he had some breathing problems last night.

This morning we woke up to that yucky burning-electrical smell. It seemed to be coming from the air conditioner. Within an hour one of our pastors and his wife were here with a portable a/c unit to keep the bedroom cool. (I won’t use names because I found out that embarrasses some people.) Steve’s feverish and it’s hard to keep him cool as it is.

We now have three men from our church (including an electrician) working on the problem. I guess it’s electrical, but they said the hot-water heater is out, too. But, Steve has never had to be without cool air. Thank you Lord. These guys are taking care of everything.

This morning one of our pastors, his wife, our son Andy, and a friend shared communion with Steve. It was meaningful for all of us. Words just won’t do it justice.

I really don’t know how people go through something like this without a supportive church, and a supportive family. I’m so thankful for that.

Please keep praying for Steve’s comfort. He’s at peace, but I know there is some apprehension about the pain level increasing. And, if I let myself think about it, it scares me, too.

Thank you for the prayers, and for all the people helping with our other problems today.

“Remember, our faith is always at its greatest point when we are in the middle of the trial, and confidence in the flesh will never endure testing. Fair-weather faith is not faith at all.” Charles H. Spurgeon

Friday

Steve’s sleeping now, and I’m full of nervous energy, so I’ll write. I know it must be hard for everyone who loves him to be unable to see him right now. I’m sorry for that. So, I’ll try to describe exactly how he’s doing.

It’s been over a week since he’s had anything to eat. He has no appetite, but also knows that he’ll throw up anything that goes down. Including water, usually. Ice chips feel very good to this mouth and throat, and he continues to eat them. However, once or twice a day, he’ll throw that up. His stomach is apparently completely eaten up with this vile cancer.

His parents came by for a visit yesterday, and he was glad to get to see them. But, he tried to move too much and was vomiting during part of their time. I know it was very hard on them in many ways. Please keep them in your prayers.

His pain is fairly well managed with the pain pump continually delivering medication. He hurts if he moves, or has any stress at all. Sometimes he has difficulty breathing, and we have oxygen for him to help in those times. His voice is gone, and he can only talk in a whisper now.

He’s very weak, and cannot get out of bed anymore. The medication makes him a little confused sometimes, but for the most part, he’s lucid. With the help of a friend, we turned his hospital bed around so he can look out the window, so he has a nice view of the woods in our backyard. His bed is right up against our bed, so it’s like we’re still together.

He has no fear. He's very much looking forward to being with the Lord. We talk quite a bit about what we think that will be like. His only concerns are for others. Which is how he's always been.

When he’s awake, we spend our time talking quietly, or I’ll read to him. We’re reading a lot of Psalms right now, and also Randy Alcorn’s book, “Heaven.” And, he enjoys hearing the sweet cards, emails and blog comments. In typical Steve fashion, he said, “It’s kinda cool to not be dead yet, and hear all the nice things people are saying about me.” Gotta love him!

When he’s sleeping, I’m restless. I’m frankly having a hard time focusing to read or pray. My mind darts around like a child with ADD. But, the Lord is giving me good rest at night. Steve has some extra medicine for nausea which I give him at night and it makes him sleep soundly. And knowing that he’s just a few inches from me lets me rest well.

If he has to be sick, I’m so thankful to be the one caring for him. It is my honor to take care of his needs. And, I’m thankful for everyone’s generosity which makes it possible for me to be here all the time. I am continually amazed at God’s perfect provision.

Thursday

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God, and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. " II Corinthians 4:7-9

Yesterday, the hospice nurse told me that she thinks the end will come in about a week. That's her best guess based on the signs and condition she sees physically. Only the Lord knows the days He's ordained for Steve.

Steve slept well last night, and is sleeping now. I'm so thankful to have such a supportive family, and church and to have so many people praying for us. It's important to keep things around him quiet, so we're still asking people not to come. Steve wants to see his parents today, and they're coming later.

We talked some this morning, and we're both so thankful for the years He's given us together. Steve is such a wonderful husband, an incredible man of faith, my best friend, and I love being married to him.

faith

I’ve received a few words that seem to imply that just a little more faith on my part would heal Steve. As if I haven’t prayed hard enough, or wept enough, or believed God enough.

May I be blunt? The faith God gave me is in His character, not in whether or not He chooses to answer my prayers. Our comfort is NOT His greatest desire. His glory, His world-wide renown is His greatest desire. Worshiping Him is for my greatest good. And, only He knows what circumstances will best bring about genuine worship.

And let’s not forget that the greatest miracle has already been accomplished. A Holy, Perfect God provided a way for sinful mankind to come to Him, and spend forever worshipping Him.

Monday evening

This is the hardest post to write, so far.

Yesterday morning at 4:30, Steve woke me up to tell me he thinks the end is very close. This morning, the nurse confirmed that he has many of the last stage symptoms. He's not afraid. He said he wants to be relieved, and he's ready to go. Only the Lord knows what the real timing is. I'm still hoping he has some more good days.

I feel like I should just be able to say, "OK. Let's stop this. I don't want to do this anymore."

He's somewhat agitated by noises and activity. He just wants the room quiet. I know a lot of people want to see him, but I'm having to turn everyone away right now.

Steve said to tell everyone thank you for all the encouraging emails, cards and comments. I do read them all to him, and he smiles.

Thanks for praying for us.

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fail, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:29-31

Sunday evening

It's been a tough day. Please keep the prayers going. Noise and activity are stressing Steve, which increases his pain. So, we just can't have any visitors right now, as much as we love all our family and friends. Thanks for understanding. And, thanks especially for praying.